Let me tell you something...having nothing wrong with me is much better if you really want some pure honesty here! This past week I have dealt with anger, anxiety, being severely pissed off, depressed...just to name a few. You think I have a name "ulcerative colitis" now I can really get angry with it. It doesn't work that way.
Anger doesn't begin to scratch the surface with how I feel. I know a lot of people don't understand exactly what I have. You can't even imagine what it's like because you just don't understand unless you have it. It's one of those things where you can try and empathize. I understand and appreciate those who are doing that with me. I couldn't make it through without you. But this anger...well I have to let that go and like NOW!
I can only tell you what I'm going through so you can get a sense of how my days are. I take over 20 pills a day right now. Some are maintenance drugs, some are to get this disease is remission, some are just vitamins because my body isn't absorbing nutrients, some are for the inflammation and getting it under control. You are talking about a gal who even vitamins made her sick so I took NOTHING! Absolutely nothing...now over 20 pills a day.
It's frustrating these pills. This one must be taken with food, this one without. This one 30 minutes prior to eating, this one an hour prior to 2 hours after. This one twice a day, this one three times a day. It's like a bunch of tracking and keep records. You can't eat until those are taken. So if I want to eat when I wake up, well I have to wake up an hour earlier just to take the medicine. Then you have to track that in order to eat your next meal. It's like I'm a slave. I know, big deal and they are helping you. You're right, I'm just giving you one aspect of my day.
Another great thing is waking up several times in the night to run to the bathroom. Sometimes its more urgent than others. There are days I can sleep til 4am. Other days I am up at midnight, 1am, 2:30am...just several times a night. I can wake up so tired and wanting to go back to bed just because I've been up and down all night. This continues throughout the day.
I'll be a little graphic here so either skip ahead or just click exit...runny poop is not fun people! Not at all! There is no formed poop. I wonder if I will ever have that again in my life. You may snicker or laugh a little here but honestly, this is the worst thing EVER. It feels it will never end! Think about it...all day, every day, all the time...runny poop. You never know when it's going to hit either. Like Saturday night I was at the movies and had to get up. I did my thing and returned from the bathroom. As SOON as I sat back in my seat the urge came upon me. Really? You have to plan everything because you just never know.
You can see where the anger and depression starts to roll in. At first food was good! I loved all the different tastes and treats I had been denying myself for months. Don't get me wrong, I believe my fruits and vegetables are the way to go, it's just that my ulcerative colitis doesn't like them right now. My eating world is destroyed but I am making due. Now food is a chore. It's a chore to keep me feed, to keep the nutrients going in. I continue to drop weight so food is just a thing now, a must to keep me strong.
I keep waiting for that corner to turn. I'm hoping it is this week. I miss my work and the people. It's not that I am so weak I can't do the job, it's the poop! As I said the anger has to go! The doubt too! I have been digging deep within myself to see the brighter side of this. It's hard. Those who love me and are around me all the time try so hard to understand and help. I have to keep myself busy and away from all things that can bring me down. NO MORE research people! I know enough to know I want to go into remission!
So this week I am getting on that treadmill or outside when the sun it out and it's not cold. I am going to get this bathroom remodel done! Been working on that for months. I am even clothes shopping. Yes that is FUN! I can't believe the difference fitting clothes has on me. I'll see about showing you the difference in a photo.
The first photo was taken in June of 2012, the other was today. I believe I was probably somewhere between 175-185 in the first picture and today I am weighing in at 138. I still got some meat on my bones and my granny is forever telling me I'm becoming a skinny Minnie like her. I needed to lose the extra weight but I don't think I like losing it this way.
It's all good though. I am slowly coming out of the depressed, anger of "Why did this happen to me?" Now I am ready to get in there and fight this! Other great news?!?!?! I reached my 200 mile mark in my 2015 Run the Edge challenge. I'm about a 100 miles behind but I'm not worried about that. These three weeks off are coming to an end. It's time my running shoes gets some miles in this week walking! So for now, it's a day by day journey for me. I have God on my side first foremost and a lot of family and friends who have embraced me. Life is getting better, now it's time to start leaving behind the anger and picking up the gratefulness!
Love each and every one of you!